And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
