I want to make a zoo with you.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
