DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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