i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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