im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
foreskin is a definite game changer
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
