I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
