Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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