Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
