I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
NoShamevember. You game?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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