He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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