i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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