I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
