If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
