When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
