Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
