her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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