i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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