apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
