The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
