My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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