You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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