Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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