well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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