She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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