Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
