You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
