My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
