Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
