when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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