I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
