The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My vagina just clenched in fear
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
