If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
