You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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