Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
