forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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