Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
