my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
