I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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