I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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