i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
