Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
