i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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