wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
