I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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