3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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