I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
