dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I came so hard my ears popped.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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