you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
