I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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