He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
did i just pee glitter
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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